Does Couples Counseling Really Work?
Before seeking out therapy, many couples wonder...
Will it actually help? Is it effective? Is it worth it? Can it really save my relationship? As a licensed clinician in the field with over 25 years specializing in couples counseling, I am here to give you a firm and resounding answer: YES.
We may think that our relationship is ours and ours alone to deal with, and that the problems within the relationship need to be solved on our own. We may think if we just work a little harder, or if I can just get my partner to understand, then he/she will realize and make the changes necessary to fix this relationship.
Does that sound familiar? We can get stuck in a negative cycle, and our pattern of thinking is a part of it. We become entangled in the same issues and arguments because we think our partner has to change. However, in their mind they think that we are the one who needs to change. Alternately, sometimes one person may entirely blame themselves.
What’s happening in this situation?
Both people play a role in each conflict and misunderstanding in a relationship. In many instances, the problem may actually stem from something you’re bringing into the relationship from the past. It could be from your childhood, from a past relationship, or even a trauma you experienced that you don’t realize is still affecting you.
This serves as an unconscious trigger in certain recurring arguments, causing the two of you to experience the same interaction in very different ways (and neither of you realizes it). If you have common arguments where you feel like your partner is overreacting to a situation, it may be because they’re unconsciously being triggered from something in their past. This current challenge may have upset them on its own, but these past experiences could be raising the degree by which they’re reacting. A couples counselor is trained in spotting these disconnects.
A therapist is able to point out & explain these communication blocks.
This helps the couple understand each other and have much more effective future communication. Another reason couple’s therapy is so effective is that you and your partner will learn different ways of looking at things and handling challenges. When we are faced with a problem, we might think we have to immediately solve it. There needs to be a solution, right? But maybe what we're really looking for is a way to process a situation. We might want somebody just to empathize with us or listen. Often, one person believes a communication is about problem solving, whereas their partner simply wants them to process with them or just to empathize. Being able to make this distinction and apply the appropriate response makes a world of difference in communication harmony.
Counselors spend their lives studying relationships, marriages, and dynamics between couples.
We may think we know what to do or say in our relationship, but the results often reflect otherwise! We all have blind spots and misunderstandings in our relationship communication.
Think about the difference between the average car owner and an experienced mechanic: if your car breaks down on the highway, you can obviously pop the hood and check the oil, see if anything is smoking, etc. However, a trained car mechanic who has been working on cars for years will be able to spot something that you’re not able to see. Because of their experience, they are better able to see what’s under your hood as a system and the connection between the parts than you are. It’s the same way with couples counselors. A couples counselor is able to see where the disconnect is between the two partners, support them to bridge that gap, and help them to understand the dynamic of the relationship.
If you can't decide whether or not couples counseling is worth it, I encourage you to give it a shot. I’ve seen it work in countless situations where hope and positivity seemed lost. Take it from someone who’s worked for years and years in the field—it really does work. It can help. It’s worth it.
