Understanding and Healing from Adult Sibling Estrangement
Being estranged from your sibling as an adult can be incredibly painful. Sibling relationships are often seen as lifelong bonds since they’re people who share a history, family traditions, and an understanding of where you come from. However, for many adults, sibling connections become strained or severed altogether, leading to what’s known as adult sibling estrangement. There are many reasons why this could happen.
Why Does Adult Sibling Estrangement Happen?
Estrangement between siblings can develop for various reasons, including:
Unresolved childhood dynamics – Old rivalries, favoritism, or childhood roles may continue into adulthood, creating resentment. It can be hard to break out of these patterns, making it difficult to be around each other. These old dynamics can show up in adult interactions and we may or may not be aware of them. For example, an older sibling may be surprised when their younger brother breaks off the relationship “just because the older sibling was late a couple times”. In reality the younger sibling was less tolerant with the lateness due to a past trauma of that same older sibling repeatedly leaving them waiting to be picked up from soccer practice for an hour, while the older sibling socialized with friends.
Different values or lifestyles – Siblings may grow apart due to differing worldviews, political beliefs, or choices in career, relationships, or parenting.
Family trauma or dysfunction – A history of abuse, neglect, or a toxic family environment can make reconnection difficult or even unsafe. One sibling may choose to distance themselves from this family dysfunction while the other may still be enabling or participating in it.
Parental influence – Sometimes, parents play a role by intentionally or unintentionally encouraging competition, guilt, or unequal treatment. This drives a wedge between siblings, even as adults.
Lack of communication – Misunderstandings or built-up grievances may create a distance that seems impossible to bridge. This usually plays a role and is often a part of all the reasons listed here.
Addiction - One sibling may be struggling with addiction and the other sibling doesn’t want to enable this behavior. Even if the addicted sibling has stopped using, the trust can be difficult to rebuild in their sibling relationships.
The Emotional Toll of Estrangement
Estrangement from a sibling can bring up a mix of complicated emotions. You may feel sad, guilty, angry, and maybe even relief. It may also come with external pressures—other family members may push for reconciliation without fully understanding the pain of the siblings. This can make things even harder.
In many instances, one or both of the siblings are unwilling or unaware of the work needed to be done to heal the relationship. Positive change in the severed relationship is not a guarantee and most likely will not occur at all unless both (or all) siblings are willing to communicate and try. Sometimes, in fact, it can be the healthier option NOT to communicate or make efforts toward the relationship.
Grieving the loss of a sibling relationship, even if it was dysfunctional, is part of this process. It’s okay to feel conflicted about the distance, and it’s also okay if reconnection isn’t the right choice for you.
Navigating Estrangement: Healing on Your Terms
If you’re experiencing adult sibling estrangement, here are some ways to support your own emotional well-being. First, validate your own feelings (and thoughts). Recognize that feeling the way you do is valid and okay. Set boundaries and keep them. Whether or not you wish to reconnect, defining what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship is essential. Of course, these boundaries can change over time. Alternatively, respect your siblings boundaries if they have set them.
Finding support is an important part of your healing process. Whether you connect with others who have experienced sibling estrangement or choose to seek therapy, please find some systems of support to help you through this time. Having robust support helps you to process the grief, anger and confusion you’re feeling.
Lastly, if you’re considering reconciliation, it’s highly recommended to initiate the conversation with your sibling in the presence of a family therapist or therapeutic mediator. Having a neutral third party can help facilitate open communication and ensure the conversation remains respectful.
Moving Forward
Whether estrangement is temporary or permanent, healing yourself from this change is possible. Some sibling relationships find their way back to connection, while others remain distant. Either way, you need to find a way to move forward and prioritize your well-being and peace of mind.
If you’re struggling with adult sibling estrangement, we’re here to help. We offer family therapy for you and your sibling(s) to come together in a safe and neutral space. We are trained in facilitating conflict resolution and communication between estranged family members. We also offer individual therapy for you to process emotions, explore boundaries, and work toward healing on your own terms.