Intent vs. Impact

Couples often find themselves arguing about past events without realizing that they are actually having two different arguments. One person is focused on the impact the situation had on them, while the other person is trying to explain their intent or reasoning behind their actions.

Addressing both the impact and intent is crucial when discussing conflicts or disagreements. However, it often happens that there is no clear agreement on which aspect they are addressing. The discussion then becomes muddled and confusing for both parties.

Let’s look at a real-life example of intent vs. impact.

Laura was upset with David because he didn't acknowledge her as his girlfriend when another woman flirted with him at a party. She expressed her frustration, saying, "You knew she was flirting, I can't believe you didn't say 'This is my girlfriend, Laura.'"

David, on the other hand, responded by saying, "It's not like I was going to do something with her, you were 2 feet away." David was focused on explaining his intent, emphasizing that he had no intention of betraying Laura. However, Laura was hurt by David's omission, feeling unimportant and insignificant to him. David misinterpreted her anger as directed at him, believing that he had done something wrong to hurt her. In an attempt to defend himself and not be seen as bad, he continued explaining his intent, while Laura kept trying to explain the impact his actions had on her.

This dynamic leads to both individuals feeling unheard, invalidated, and frustrated, without realizing that they are simply misunderstanding each other.

How can we avoid this problem in future discussions?

For the future, both individuals can make some adjustments. For instance, Laura can understand that David finds it challenging to address her feelings regarding the impact of his actions when he is preoccupied with defending himself. In such cases, she can begin her statement by acknowledging his lack of intent to hurt her, saying, "I know you did not intend to hurt me, but..." or "I want to share how I was hurt by what you did, and I understand that you did not mean to hurt me..."

David, on the other hand, can recognize that when Laura is hurt, she often reacts with anger. His responsibility is to address her hurt and reach out to her, saying, "I understand that it hurt you when I did that. You are the most important person to me, and I never want to hurt you."

When both individuals are aware of this disconnect, they can mend the rift through empathetic responses. When we do something to hurt someone, it is essential to acknowledge our mistake, apologize, and empathize with the impact before explaining our intent.

Similarly, when we feel hurt because of the impact of our partner's actions, it is important to take a moment to pause, take deep breaths to calm ourselves, and then clearly communicate how their actions made us feel.

By incorporating this newfound awareness and using these positive relationship tools, couples can transform a prolonged and painful misunderstanding into a brief disagreement that, once resolved, brings harmony back into the relationship.