How Do I Stop Yelling at My Kids?
Parenting our kids is one of the most important things we will ever do in life. At the same time , it is one of the areas where we get the least amount of training or preparation.
Often, we learn as we go and eventually find approaches and strategies that seem to work.. Unfortunately, when we learn as we go, it may have some negative consequences: impact on the self-acceptance, identity, and self-esteem of our children.
One area in which this is common is in the discipline of our children. We may struggle through several disciplinary approaches and land on yelling.This is a common response among parents, especially when they feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or helpless. However, while it may seem like a natural reaction in the heat of the moment, yelling is not an effective parenting strategy and can have long-term negative effects on both the child and the parent-child relationship.
As a clinical therapist I have examined this topic critically in relation to why it happens, its impact on child development and family dynamics, and what we can do differently.There are effective strategies available that are healthier, more positive and more productive.
Why Do Parents Yell?
Parents yell for a variety of reasons. Let’s talk about these in more detail.
1.Stress and Overwhelm: Parenting is challenging, and the demands of modern life—balancing work, household responsibilities, and raising children—can push parents to their limits. When parents are stressed, their patience wears thin, making them more likely to react impulsively by yelling.
2. Lack of Emotional Regulation: Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy way. Many of us were never taught or modeled effective emotional regulation,which makes it easier to lose control when faced with challenging behaviors from their children.
3. Not Being Listened To: Yelling often occurs when parents feel they are not being heard or that their children are not listening. In these moments, raising their voice can feel like the only way to command attention or assert authority.
4. Learned Behavior: For some parents, yelling is a learned behavior, passed down from their own childhood experiences. If their parents always yelled at them, they might unconsciously replicate this behavior with their own children.
5. Lack of Support: Many parents struggle with a lack of support from their spouse in parenting duties. After a long day at work, they return home only to continue shouldering the responsibility of raising their children, often without a break. If they are the primary caregiver, they may be the one waking up at night when the children do, leading to disrupted sleep and chronic exhaustion. A tight budget might prevent them from hiring a babysitter, leaving them with little to no personal time outside of work. Additionally, raising children far from extended family or community support, such as grandparents, can isolate the parent further. This lack of support places even more pressure on the primary caregiver.
It is important to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge these underlying ‘whys’. After yelling, we can often justify, minimize or rationalize our behavior. Some common ways we do this can be thoughts similar to these:
“Well, I told him to stop three times - what was I supposed to do?”
I told them I had a stressful day”,
“My parents yelled at me and I turned out okay”.
“Anybody would have gotten mad (in this situation )”,
“It's the only way they listen”,
“They were being disrespectful”.
Although all the reasons listed in bold above and all these ‘whys’ are understandable, that does not make them healthy, appropriate nor the best solution.We often feel guilty and ashamed after yelling, wondering why we always resort to yelling and why we’re triggered so easily.
This can lead to an unconscious progression of justification, rationalization and minimization of our yelling because a part of us feels badly. We feel badly because our higher self knows we were at a least a little out of control, escalated, dysregulated etc. I point this out because often this part and this point is not apparent during and after our escalation. The justification process is an attempt to ‘make ourselves feel better’.
The Impact of Yelling on Children
While yelling may produce immediate compliance, it is important to understand the long-term consequences it can have on children. Yelling is not an effective discipline strategy and can be damaging in several ways:
Emotional Distress: Children who are yelled at frequently may experience anxiety, fear, and a sense of insecurity. This emotional distress can manifest in various ways, including withdrawal, aggression, or behavioral issues.
Damage to Self-Esteem: Repeated yelling can erode a child's self-esteem, leading them to internalize negative messages about themselves. They may begin to believe they are "bad" or "unworthy," which can have lasting effects on their self-image. This will affect all areas of their lives as we perform on the outside in a way that reflects how we think and feel about ourselves inside.
Strained Parent-Child Relationship: Yelling can create a rift in the parent-child relationship, leading to a lack of trust and open communication. Over time, children may become less willing to share their thoughts and feelings with parents, fearing a negative reaction.
Modeling Aggressive Behavior: Children learn by observing their parents. When parents yell, they are modeling aggressive behavior as a way to handle conflict or frustration. This can lead children to adopt similar behaviors in their interactions with peers and others.
It is important to note that these negative impacts may not appear immediately. Children find many ways to mask their feelings and may engage afterwards to win back your approval. Aggressive behaviors to their siblings or classmates may occur days later and you may not make the connection if you are not paying attention.
When you yell at your children, you are teaching your child to comply through fear. They respond to the escalated and urgent tone of your voice and act out of fear of what will come next.
You are also inadvertently reinforcing them to not respond to your regular voice. They learn that they do not have to respond to the first 2 or 3 times you order or ask something of them. Whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, they learn to wait until you yell before they respond.
How to Reduce (and Eventually Stop) Yelling
The good news is that parents can learn to manage their emotions and communicate more effectively without resorting to yelling. Here are some strategies to help parents maintain a calm, constructive approach to discipline.
Practice Emotional Regulation: Parents can benefit from learning and practicing emotional regulation techniques. This includes deep breathing, mindfulness, and taking a "time-out" for themselves when they feel their anger rising.
Example: Remove yourself from the situation by stepping outside for a few minutes. Allow your children to see you calming yourself down and taking deep breaths. If they interrupt you, explain what you are doing. This in turn teaches them emotional regulation too. “Mom is feeling really frustrated right now. I want to calm down my big feelings so I’m going to take some deep belly breaths.Please give me some personal space while I calm myself down”.
Set Clear Expectations: Children are more likely to behave appropriately when they understand what is expected of them. Setting clear, age-appropriate expectations and discussing them calmly can prevent misunderstandings and reduce the need for corrective actions.
Track Your Yelling: When we practice self-reflection, we become more aware of our behavior. If yelling is a deeply ingrained habit, then stopping is easier said than done. Having a simple chart or a piece of paper where we jot down how many times we slipped up and yelled at our child that day can help raise our self-awareness. We then can make it a goal to reduce that number over time.
Use Positive Reinforcement: When children receive attention for good behavior, they are more likely to repeat it. Make a big deal out of it when your children help even with the tiniest thing. This might seem excessive, but it works. Any behavior that is reinforced in such a way will become a behavior that the child will intentionally repeat.
Example: “Wow! I love how you brought your plate over to the sink after dinner! That really makes all the difference in making the kitchen clean-up easier. I appreciate that so much! I love how our family all pitches in together to make our lives easier for each other!”
Effective Communication: Instead of yelling, parents should aim to communicate their needs and boundaries clearly and calmly. Using "I" statements can help show your emotions without blaming or shaming the child.
Example: Your child refuses to get his shoes on and you’re running late. Instead of standing over him, kneel down to his level and make eye contact. For children, being talked down to—or worse, yelled at—can be intimidating. In a calm tone, say, "I feel upset when you don't listen because it makes it hard for us to work together. Can we work as a team and focus on getting out the door quickly?"
Active Listening: Listening to children’s perspectives and validating their feelings can defuse tense situations. Lean into their perspective and give a voice to what they’re thinking, even if you don’t agree with it. When children feel heard and understood, they feel better. Kids who feel better, act better.
Example: Your older son is upset that you’re rocking your toddler daughter to sleep. He ran by and smacked your toddler while you were holding her and then curled up in his own bed, shouting “You don’t even love me!” Instead of saying “Of course I love you but you can’t hit your sister!!! How many times do I have to tell you we don’t hit people?!?!” Recognize the feelings that are present. “It is so hard sharing your mom isn’t it? I bet you wish you could have your mom all to yourself at bedtime? You miss when I used to rock you to sleep like this, don’t you?” Reassure your child that you love them.
Seek Support: Parenting is hard and it’s important for parents to seek support when needed. This could involve talking to a therapist, joining a parenting group, or simply reaching out to friends and family for advice.
Conclusion
Yelling at children is a common but counterproductive response that can have lasting negative effects on a child's emotional well-being and the parent-child relationship. When we learn to calm ourselves down in the moment and instead get in the habit of using healthier communication strategies, we can create a positive environment where our children feel safe and can thrive. Making parenting mistakes is inevitable, but it’s never too late to make changes.