Managing Anger - A Reflection on my Daughter’s Birthday
Parenting is a journey filled with joy, challenges, and countless learning moments. Among the many responsibilities, managing one's emotions, particularly anger, can be one of the most difficult. The effects of yelling at children can be long-lasting, often leaving emotional scars and affecting their overall development.
While it is natural for parents to feel overwhelmed at times, it is important to understand the impact our reactions can have on our children. The negative impact of anger is greater than the intention of the angry person on most occasions. Yet, we are able to rationalize, justify and minimize our angry flare-ups in our own mind, allowing us to stay in a negative pattern.
The following scenario highlights how well-intentioned parents can sometimes lose their cool and the impact that has on our children. While this is a hypothetical scenario, it is grounded in truth—drawn from numerous real-life parenting experiences I’ve encountered in clients over the years. It’s not one specific story, but a blend of many similar moments shared by parents navigating the highs and lows of raising children.
It was her 6th birthday… and I had it all planned out for my little girl, of course. I planned a full day for her celebration. In the morning, I made her favorite chocolate chip pancakes, with just enough syrup, and some crispy bacon. Then we watched her favorite movie, Mary Poppins, together on the couch with popcorn, and it was only 10 in the morning.
We followed up by going to lunch at noon with the rest of the extended family at her favorite restaurant. I then took her to the park and let her play until she was ready to leave. For dinner, I helped her mom make her favorite meal. We all sang Happy Birthday to her as she blew out the candles on her chocolate double-layered cake. We gave her a wonderful present—the doll she's been asking for and the changeable outfits that were an extra bonus. It was such a happy day. At night, we said she didn't even have to take a shower if she didn't want to because it was her birthday and extended her bedtime by 15 minutes!
After tucking her in, I read her favorite story—and then two more. It was getting late. She was tired, and I was tired. She could tell I was getting tired and I was irritated at that. But she loved the day so much, she didn't want it to end.
“Daddy, one more book, please.” “No, honey,” I said with a little sternness in my voice. “Please, Daddy,” she said. “Honey, it's been a long day, time to go to bed, time to go to sleep,” I said in a little more stern voice. Unfortunately, she had gotten carried away in the moment, and she grabbed another book from the shelf and handed it to me. “Please.”
Unexpectedly, I snatched the book away and slammed it down on the side of her bed. “G-dammit, I said no!” I yelled. Then there was silence. I tried to soften my voice and explain, but the damage was done. She felt terrible—frightened, embarrassed, and sad. I felt terrible—frustrated, sad, and ashamed.
Somehow she got to sleep that night, and life went on.
To this day, she remembers her 7th birthday as the day Daddy got really mad and made her sad. The way that birthday ended was traumatic and sad, an unfortunate conclusion to an otherwise joyous day. Clearly, my wife and I had put a lot of effort and love into making it a wonderful day, but what was remembered?
My anger. It was an unfair way to end the day for her birthday, and it was an unfair way to remember me on that day.
Actually, I was an amazing father that day, except for those two minutes at the very end. This is how it works with anger. It may be understandable why we lose our cool. In this case, I had put much time and effort into making a great day and was tired. One can even understand, perhaps, why I expressed my anger in a hurtful and negative way.
Yet the impact is what is left on the person on the receiving end. It is unfair to characterize me by that one act out of so many positive ones that day. Yet this is what is remembered, because the fear and the pain that anger causes is what's left on those who experience it. It is not a choice my daughter makes consciously to remember that day negatively, rather an expected and most common effect of the anger.
Understanding and Mitigating the Effects of Yelling
The story above reflects a common situation where a parent yells at their child after getting frustrated. Unfortunately, such incidents, even if rare, can stand out in a child’s memory. Research suggests that frequent yelling can lead to increased anxiety, behavioral issues, and a strained parent-child relationship. Children often internalize these moments, remembering them more vividly than the positive ones.
To lessen the effects of yelling at children, parents can adopt various strategies, such as:
Recognizing Triggers: Understanding what situations or behaviors are likely to provoke anger can help in managing reactions more effectively.
Taking Breaks: Stepping away from a stressful situation, even for a few minutes, can provide the necessary time to cool down and respond more thoughtfully.
Mindful Communication: Using calm and constructive language helps in setting boundaries and conveying messages without instilling fear or hurt.
Repairing the Relationship: If an outburst does occur, it’s important to acknowledge the mistake and apologize to the child. This act of repair can help heal the emotional wound, rebuild trust, and model accountability and empathy.
Seeking Support: Sometimes, discussing challenges with a partner, friend, or professional can provide new perspectives and coping strategies.
Scenarios like the one presented can serve as reminders of the importance of managing our emotions. The effects of yelling at children can leave a lasting impression, shaping their memories and emotions in ways we might not intend. By learning to manage our anger, we can ensure that children remember more of the joy and less of the fear.
