Why Does My Husband Yell at Me?
“My husband yells at me.”
It can often take a while to feel brave enough to share this with your therapist or any other person. You may feel embarrassed or even ashamed to acknowledge this. You may blame yourself and feel hopeless that it will ever change.
What can be done to lessen the yelling?
How can you bring up concerns without it leading to escalation?
How can you have a harmonious, peaceful relationship that doesn’t make you feel attacked whenever a point of conflict is brought up?
Being “yelled at” never feels good and unfortunately many couples experience yelling or raised voices as a pattern in their relationship. It isn’t always the husband who is at fault. Many women also yell at their partners.
What does it mean when your partner yells at you, and how can you address it in a healthy way? Let’s explore why this may be happening, its impact on your relationship, and how to gain more productive communication in your marriage.
Why Does My Husband Yell at Me?
When a spouse yells, it can be confusing and hurtful. Yelling may seem like a sign of anger or frustration, but it's often more complicated than that. Most every action and behavior in a relationship has underlying reasons as to why the behavior or action happens; finding and understanding these reasons can be immensely helpful in finding solutions. While every relationship is unique, there are common underlying reasons why someone might resort to yelling:
Emotional Overload: Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed by emotions and lacks the tools to express himself calmly. Stress, frustration, and unresolved feelings can build up, and yelling becomes an outlet.
Learned Behavior: Sometimes, people grow up in environments where yelling was a normal way to communicate. If your husband experienced this in his family of origin, he may default to it without realizing how harmful it can be. Even in situations in which he has acknowledged previously not “wanting to be like his family” in this way, angry verbal reactions may have become habitual due to repeated exposure to them in their family of origin.
Power and Control: In some cases, yelling is used to exert control. It can be a way to dominate a conversation or make you feel small. This type of behavior can lead to feelings of powerlessness and fear in the relationship. Most times when someone exerts power and control in this way, it actually stems from a feeling of powerlessness or lack of control inside them.
Unresolved Conflict: Yelling often stems from unresolved issues. If important topics are avoided or swept under the rug, they can resurface in unhealthy ways, including outbursts. Sometimes the unresolved conflicts in your relationship can retrigger or resurface pain from similar unresolved conflicts from long ago in their family of origin. This can lead to a greater emotional reaction in the present.
While these reasons might help you understand the behavior, it is important to note that they do not excuse it. For example, if you go home and yell at your partner and then say “ Oh, it’s because I am on emotional overload”, they are not going to feel any better at that moment and it is still your work to address your anger and stress management. Yelling, especially when it becomes a pattern, can be deeply damaging to both individuals and the relationship as a whole.
The Impact of Yelling
When your husband yells at you, it can trigger a range of emotions, including fear, sadness, anxiety, and anger. Over time, repeated yelling can cause emotional scars, leading to low self-esteem and diminished trust. This will negatively impact your relationship in the long-term, so it’s important to address the yelling early on and get professional couples counseling to help mediate the damage.
Yelling often creates a dynamic where you feel defensive or shut down. If every disagreement turns into a shouting match, it can become difficult to express your thoughts or needs, leading to feelings of isolation. Yelling reduces the possibility of your relationship being a safe space. When you can’t express your feelings and concerns without getting yelled at, a common response is to shut down and stop bringing up your concerns.
Emotional safety is an important part of a successful relationship. It allows couples to express themselves openly without fear of being attacked or judged. When yelling becomes a regular feature of your relationship, your emotional safety is compromised. Over time, this can erode intimacy, respect, and mutual understanding—the core pillars of a strong marriage.
Steps to Address the Yelling
If you’re in a situation where your husband yells at you, it's important to take proactive steps to address it. Here are some strategies that can help:
Communicate Calmly, But Firmly
Wait until both of you are calm before addressing the yelling. In the heat of the moment, trying to resolve the issue can escalate it. When the time is right, express how his yelling affects you and makes you feel.
Use “I” statements, such as, “I feel hurt and scared when you yell. I want us to find a better way to communicate.” Avoid blaming language like, “You always yell at me,” as it may trigger defensiveness.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are important in maintaining respect within a relationship. If your husband’s yelling is frequent, you may need to set clear boundaries around communication. For example, you could say, “I’m not willing to have a conversation where yelling is involved. If you start to raise your voice, I will leave the room until we can talk calmly.”
Encourage Therapy
Yelling is often a symptom of deeper emotional or relational issues that can’t be solved just through conversation. Couples counseling can help both partners develop healthier communication skills, understand each other’s perspectives, and work through underlying conflicts.
Take Care of Yourself
If you find that the yelling is taking a toll on your emotional well-being, it’s crucial to take care of yourself. This may mean talking to a trusted friend, engaging in stress-relieving activities, or seeking individual counseling.
Is Yelling a Red Flag in My Marriage?
Yelling can definitely be a red flag, though not always. It’s important to differentiate between occasional frustration and verbal abuse. If your husband is using yelling to manipulate, intimidate, or belittle you, this is a form of emotional abuse and is a red flag.
If this is the case for you, it’s essential to seek support from a therapist or a domestic violence helpline to assess your safety and next steps. Whether you consider it a red flag or not, addressing it and working toward improvement is essential.
Moving Toward Healthier Communication
Yelling doesn’t have to be the norm in your relationship. While it may feel difficult, working toward healthier communication is possible. This journey will require both you and your husband to commit to change, build mutual respect, and unlearn unhealthy communication habits from the past.
If you’ve found yourself thinking, “My husband yells at me,” remember that you deserve to feel safe and heard in your marriage. Together, with the right tools and support, you can build a relationship where both partners feel respected and understood.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or harm, please don’t wait to seek help. Resources are available to provide support and guidance, including:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, confidential support.
Help is just a call or text away—don't hesitate to reach out.