How to Get Out of a Shame Spiral

A shame spiral is when you have negative feelings about yourself that just keep getting worse and worse. This is accompanied by feelings of despair and self critical thoughts. Shame can reinforce thoughts of inadequacy and make you believe that you are inherently bad. This belief can make you feel unworthy of love, happiness or even self-improvement. These painful thoughts can feel overwhelming and isolating, but it’s important to remember that they are not the truth. 

Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is feeling badly about something we did, whereas shame is feeling badly about who we are.

What Causes a Shame Spiral?

There are many triggers to a shame spiral. For many , it’s a trauma response linked to painful experiences earlier in life. Trauma can leave behind deep-seated beliefs and stories we tell ourselves about how negative occurrences were our fault or were deserved due to a failing or inadequacy within ourselves. Shame spirals can also stem from patterns of low self-esteem, depression, or ADHD. They’re common among those struggling with addiction, especially people who want to stop drinking but feel trapped in a cycle of relapse and regret. 

No matter the cause, it’s important to remember that you can escape a shame spiral and you can also learn coping skills to lessen the frequency and intensity of these spirals. Working with a trained professional can help you understand the roots of your shame and help you heal and develop new coping skills. This work can take time but can definitely be worth it. Here are some helpful coping tools you can begin to implement today and will help you along the pathway toward stopping the shame cycle. 

Methods for Stopping a Shame Spiral

Thought-stopping techniques

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, therapists recommend a variety of techniques that can help you stop negative thoughts in their tracks. These may be hard to implement but after practicing over and over these techniques are very helpful.

The “STOP” method involves saying STOP to yourself in your head, firmly and loudly whenever a negative thought comes in. It might sound silly and feel silly at first, but over time this practice becomes second nature. 

Another thought-stopping technique for people who need something more tangible is the rubber band method. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and whenever you notice a shame spiral or negative thought invading your mind, give yourself a light snap on the wrist. 

Embracing acceptance

This technique means that you are accepting the feelings that are coming through. Recognize and notice your feelings of shame and you acknowledge their presence. Observe your thoughts and feelings and recognize that this moment will pass. 

Know your shame triggers

If you are aware of what specific things trigger your shame spiral, then you can come up with a plan to address them. You’re aware that they’re most likely going to come up for you if that trigger is happening. 

Say affirmations

This is going to take some practice, but saying some affirmations out loud can help to stop the shame spiral and reduce your negative self-talk. Quietly telling yourself “I’m worthy,” “I deserve to be happy,” “Everybody makes mistakes,” or “I’m strong and will get through this.” Even if you don’t believe it at that moment, saying it out loud sends a signal to your brain that yes, you are worthy and deserving of happiness!

Be of service to someone else

Getting out of your head and out into the real world can do wonders for your mental health. Even better if you’re able to think of a way to help others or do a selfless deed. This makes you stop thinking about your own problems because instead you’re putting your energy into helping others and making the world better.

Phone a friend or family member

Lastly, make sure that you have a support system in place. Reaching out to someone you trust can help break the cycle of shame and bring you back to reality. Sometimes, just talking things through with a loved one can remind you that you’re not alone and that your thoughts are not always an accurate reflection of reality.

Consider counseling

If shame spirals are a recurring struggle, therapy can be a valuable tool. A therapist can help you identify deep-seated patterns of shame, process past experiences, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be especially helpful in reshaping negative thought patterns and addressing trauma.